Thursday, March 30, 2006

I just came out of a seven hour coma.

I've been feeling so weird for two days now. Two and a half.

That's how many people it takes to fix a lightbulb when :
A and B cut C in half and then discover that they can't reach the socket. So A stands on B's shoulders and B steps on half of C so A can fix the bulb.

See what I mean when I say I'm feeling weird?

You know these scenes in the movies (maybe even outside the movies) where there's this guy (or girl) who thinks he (or she) is saying something really profound, but what he's (she's) saying is actually just a big pile of dung? Those scenes are really really funny. Why? I wonder..

Almost Famous

Russell Hammond (to this teenage hippie dude who's staring blankly at him) : You're real, man. Your friends are real. Your room is real. (Taps on the table) Real. (Touches the curtains) Real. (Flicks a switch on and off repeatedly) Real.
You're more important than all the silly machinery. The silly machinery.
In 11 years it's gonna be 1984, man. Think about that.

Kid : You want to see me feed a mouse to my snake?

Russell : Yes.

Anybody who can string together a sentence in English with fewer than 4 errors (5 in the case of SC/STs) has no business attending college. College just takes your English, tears it to shreds, chews on it for a while and then swallows it down with some Marquise De Pompador.

I could speak and write a little English before I joined college. I was quite good, even if I say so myself.
My sppeling waus foltless.
My punctuation, was alway's perfect;
I used words like charlatan and recondite as frequently as I used a certain Pfizer product.
See how it isn't quite as good anymore?

The process of deterioration is rapid. To give you a better understanding of how quick that actually is, it's rapider than the really rapid rapids in Rapids Water Park. Impressive, no? And scary.

Moral : College isn't for you.

Note : Atul doesn't know shit about Marquise De Pompador. So don't believe what he says.
Note 2 : Rapider is a legitimate word.
Note 3 : floccinaucinihilipilification shouldn't be a legitimate word, but is.
Note 4 : Pfizer produces Listerine Antiseptic.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

A Sardar goes to a doctor for treatment.

Before treatment, show me your purse.

Before treatment, show me your nurse!

This is, by 20000 miles, the saddest joke I have ever come across, or am likely to ever come across in the future. Gaurav and Ajay have this joke rating thing going on, and Gaurav got a zero for this one.
Must have been his lucky day. I can't think of a joke that is more deserving of a negative rating.
And needless to say, it made me laugh my guts out. I laughed, and then laughed at myself for laughing. It's just such an incredibly pathetic joke. No?

Friday, March 10, 2006

10 things I don't understand :

1. How bald people are hotter than those with hair.

2. Why Jim Morrison sneezes repeatedly towards the end of the song The End.

3. Why I sometimes feel as out of place as a sax solo in the middle of Enter Sandman when I'm in college.

4. What Marlon Brando murmurs the whole while in The Godfather.

5. Why it's easier sometimes to push than it is to pull.

6. Why it's easier sometimes to pull than it is to push.



That's all.
I have all the answers to pretty much everything else.

Friday, March 03, 2006

So God said, "Let there be light", and There wasn't a fatass anymore.

Imitation pearls of wisdom #1

I think not, therefore I cram.

Lost the toss
Terrible loss
Hate the boss
Not Kate Moss
Liquid gloss
Chandler and Ross
Stone, Joss
Santa Claus
Major draws
Mustard sauce
Mill on the Floss
Nought and cross
Dirty paws
Retractable claws
Stupid laws
Pink straws
And chainsaws
All because.. ?